Category Archives: Writing

No U-Turn by Tatiana Flowers

I think about it this way, because if you think about it, things will never go back to the way they were before all of this happened. I mean, the day after I graduated, my grandmother-an important part of my life-was diagnosed with one of the most aggressive cancers there is known to man. Here I was, thinking I’d be able to live the coming months in my own glory, looking for jobs in other parts of the country, or even the rest of the world, enjoying my success after graduating from a top tier university. But that was not the case, and actually, it never will be, because we have no control over what happens. That’s where “NO U-TURN” comes into play.

As a matter of fact, they say bad news comes in three’s. Just two months later, I was diagnosed with Lupus-an autoimmune disease that can become life altering if left undetected or out of control…and expensive nonetheless. Just at 22, I’m dealing with all of these things. But the good thing about “NO U-TURN” is that you have to keep pushing on, and I’d like to think “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

So now I bet you’re wondering, “Well, what’s the third thing?” Well, today, actually, my mom is in the doctor’s office having a retest for a mammography she had just last week. A few minutes ago, she sent me a text saying how she needs a biopsy. Lord only knows what this could mean.

I try to be positive because that’s all you can do. But we all know cancer is hereditary, and it sure is silly!

But if this is in fact the third bad piece of news, I can look forward to no more bad news. And hopefully there is “NO U-TURN” because I’d hate to see this cycle start all over again.

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Broken Heart by Dianne Ricard

Walking along this unknown path
Destruction all around
Voices hurling words so cruel,
crushing every hopeful sound.

Stumbling down the littered road
Strewn with pain and despair
Passing those I though I knew
They turned away like I wasn’t there.

Fog so thick, closing in
Don’t know where I’m going
Scrambled directions to where I’ve been
No friend in sight – emptiness keeps growing.

All alone…no warmth…so cold
Waiting for a human touch
Do I need to beg for a little time?
Is that too bold? Is that too much?

When I come back this way again
Will you still turn your eyes away?
Are you afraid to see my pain and
wish I’d go away?

Can you see it? Does it show?
…my bleeding broken heart?
Desperate to feel the sun’s healing glow
Searching for the way to make a new start.

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“The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You” (Rumi) by Sam I. Gellens

     I bear neither physical wounds nor scars from cancer to this point…but, I can’t predict what the future will bring. Will the lung cancer return in six months’ time? Will my doctors be able to get the prostate cancer under control? Has Rumi’s lustrous mystical light indeed entered me? If so, how? How will I know? Right now, it does not feel as if that light has either entered me or provided a shining beacon to lead me to a place of peace and mindfulness and insight and wisdom and acceptance. I feel consumed by worry, uncertainty, aging and fear of being alone too much of the time.
     I go to work each day not only because I feel needed there, do a very good job at what I do and am legitimized by my efforts. I go to work because I am not alone there, there are colleagues about and students, young, healthy students to advise who, unlike me, have their whole lives before them. They make me feel momentarily young again and that I can make a difference in their world, and I marvel at their youthful vigor and energy. I feel pursued by cancer, consumed by its presence, the possibility that it will ravage me further and possibly put an end to me.
     Rumi is speaking of a divine light which will suffuse our being and make us rise above the mundane cares of this world, even illness and how it wears us down. I wonder if he knew cancer. Did he know people who had it? If one follows the Sufi mystical path of Rumi, is there indeed transcendence, perhaps even triumph over illness and all of the other afflictions of human life, and is it then that the light enters you? When does one know? To live with cancer and not know, well that is a form of torture one must bear…

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Fear of Lupus by Tatiana Flowers

Fear of the upcoming heart scan
Fear of all the medical bills
Fear of mom worrying all the time
Fear of what it did to grandma when I told her
Fear of the upcoming chronic pain
Fear more hair will fall out
Fear I’ll have a flare up
Fear they won’t be able to do anything about it
Fear I’ll suffer the after effects
Fear I won’t be able to have kids
Fear I won’t be able to afford it
Fear it will be compared to AIDS
Fear I will be judged
Fear my job will find out and I won’t get a full time position
Fear because this is the time where it’s supposed to be most dangerous
Fear because it’s hereditary
Fear I won’t be able to keep up
Fear no one else will understand my pain
Fear of fearing this many things
Fear there isn’t enough research
Fear there’s no cure
Fear that I got it such a young age
Fear that I hate fear this much

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Ode to a Bald Head by Jane Freeman

No need to blow-dry, curl, dye, or comb.
Instead, the beauty of the colorful silk scarves slip gracefully to expose the
shiny orb.
Coverless-
Stares-averted eyes validate her struggle to curious strangers.
Shopping for floppy hats, wigs,-masquerades-is tiresome.

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Workshop Writing

Most of this work has been created by writers during my expressive writing workshops. Some work was written by writers in other settings but the writing still relates to illness or cancer. All of the work has been posted with permission.

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I am, I will be, I used to be, I remember by Dawn Barrett

I am a pink circle
Hope, love, faith that continues to
come back around
I am a somersault
Rolling around on the grass carefree and laughing
I am the sound of the ocean
Quiet and gentle as well as loud and strong
I am the sun
Full of light and warmth
I am drums that keep beating
I am a lion hear me roar
I am fearful of the unknown
I will be living in the present
I used to worry about the future
When I look ahead of me I see Life

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Scar by Dawn Barrett

“and I will not fall off”
You will fade with time
Become unrecognizable
But I will always see you
And I will always look for you
My war wound
And my reminder
I am a Survivor

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